if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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