I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
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My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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