when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
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I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
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