for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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