my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize