based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she smelled like a LAN party
this just has baby written all over it
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize