it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
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My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
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You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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