I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
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Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
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You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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