My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
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She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
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Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
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