So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
she woke up with a sticky ear
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
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can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
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So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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