how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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