I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
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You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
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I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
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