hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
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I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
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Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Come share oat with me in your robe
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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