Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize