she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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