I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
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Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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