I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
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