i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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