Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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