is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
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I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
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What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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