I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
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she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
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my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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