k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
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It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
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He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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