Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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