hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
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I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
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I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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