i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
The air taste purple.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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