I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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