It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
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Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
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Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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