Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
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she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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