i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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