the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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