I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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