dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Semen is not good for contacts.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you had me at cake vodka
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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