im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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