Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
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Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
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A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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