I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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