Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
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I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
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he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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