Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
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Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
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I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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