I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
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This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
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Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
where are my eyebrows?
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