First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My penis needs a shock collar
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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