The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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