Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
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My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
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We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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