Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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