I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
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You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
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IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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