...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
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He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
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When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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