If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
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I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
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i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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