My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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