My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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