One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
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She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
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Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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