I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
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if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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