too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
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When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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