Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
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THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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