when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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